Breathing again

It's 10am and Mr. Handsome is still employed! Unfortunately, three of his direct-reports aren't. One of them was called at home last night so he wouldn't have to come in at all today. Everyone is breathing easier over that fact.

I, of course, had a major nightmare last night in which the employee came to our house and held me hostage all day. Mr. Handsome suggested I not be at home at all today, which would be fine except for the fact that the painters are beginning this morning and I need to be here for them. Maybe it's best the house is crawling with men today!

Nonethless, my husband still has a job, for which I'm thankful. We can breath again. For today, anyway.

***Update***

The engineer of concern left a voicemail on Mr. Handsome's machine at work promising not to do "anything stupid." It's all been quiet over there, and he was good about calling me every once in a while to let me know everything was ok.

Stretching

I'm pretty tightly wound in a lot of ways. I'm a perfectionist. I'll research any subject within an inch of its life. I relish the minutiae of the obscure . If there's an odd fact to be recalled, I'm your girl. I read a lot and I know a lot of weird stuff.

My daughter, on the other hand, ain't. I've been practicing my deep cleansing mommy breaths lately as BabyGirl worked on her presentation poster for Careers Day tomorrow. I've done my very best to let her lead, with my direction, and she produced a lovely poster on being a meteorologist.

But the pictures were crooked! But a word was misspelled! But she did a drawing that she didn't like in the end so she just scribbled it out! But, but, but!

(Deep cleansing mommy breath.)

But she was happy with it. But she was pleased with her effort and the final result. But she's proud of her work.

And I have to learn better how to be happy with it, too. And to be pleased with her 2nd grade effort and her final result. And to be proud of her work.

It's a real struggle sometimes, as a parent and as a parent by adoption, for me to remember that I am not her and she is not me. I struggle sometimes with letting go of my own expectations appropriate for a 40+ year old professional geek and expectations appropriate for a 7-year old 2nd grader. I'm humbled by the huge growth this little person requires of me. It's good to grow and stretch.

I hope I just don't hyperventilate in the process.

Holding my Breath

On Friday, Big Changes are coming to Mr. Handsome's company, namely, a 12% cut of salaried staff. As of now, his job appears to be relatively safe, thankfully, but I know that at least one of his direct-reports is getting cut.

Mr. Handsome has been very stressed about this, understandably, and last night I found out why his anxiety was so high: if a particular engineer gets cut, there are real concerns about whether or not he'll be able to keep it together or if he'll go postal. He's been known to behave erratically and he has lots of guns.

I was stressed about the potential life-changing events before, but knowing Mr. Handsome's additional concerns has me even more in knots. I told him that he owes it to everyone to make sure the local police are notified that there may be an issue; he couldn't live with himself if he didn't contact the police and something terrible did happen. Mr. Handsome and this particular engineer have worked together for years, most of them with the engineer as my husband's direct report. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid for the engineer. I'm afraid.

Cyber Stalker

I’ve become a cyber stalker. Not the scary kind, but the kind who just keeps tabs on someone who wouldn’t want tabs kept on them. Not very often, once a month or so.

I’ve sunk so low that I have created a fake Facebook account and say I’m in the same network as AJ’s mom so I can see her rather open Facebook pages. Some questions have been answered for me, like from where Peggy came up with is unusual middle name (one of her FB “sexy friends” has the same name).

Other than that, though, I’ve learned she has had a third child and is possibly pregnant with a fourth (status: “BOY O BOY.... Wat Have I Done!?”) and she refers to AJ as “my stupid ass lil man,” she’s cut off his incredible curls, and considers a bottle of Jim Beam an appropriate de-stresser after a day with her kids. She also has an entire online album of herself flipping the bird. Lovely.

I do get to see photos of him, though. The fact that he smiles in some of them gives me hope that his life isn’t as bad as his grandmother has led me to believe.

Kind of pathetic, I know. Like a scab I can’t stop picking and making it bleed all over again.

Oh my!

My friend the BabyCatcher has me inspired to begin writing again. Well, her and the fact that BabyGirl is back in school and I have some time again.

Riding to school yesterday, my 2nd grader piped up and said wistfully, "I wish we could see Mitzie more." Me too, Sweet Pea, me too.

After writing last year about considering a change in our wills to remove her from the line of guardianship, then her magically appearing (well, dropping off a birthday gift when, unbeknownst to her, we were out for the evening), we haven't seen nor heard from her again. Sitting at the traffic light, I could check BabyGirl's face in the rearview mirror to see if I could get a clue as to her inner thoughts. All I saw was sadness.

"Do you think she's working all the time and that's why she can't see me?"

No, Sweetie, I don't think she's working that much right now, I could answer truthfully since Mitzie's dad told me she'd quit another job. Know what I think it is?

"What?"

I think it still hurts her heart so much that she wasn't able to be your everyday mom that she's afraid of feeling that kind of pain, so she just kind of avoids putting herself into a situation where she won't be able to ignore how much it hurts.

"Huh?"

Remember after we lost AJ and how sad I was for so long? Remember how some days I just cried all the time?

"Yeah. You were really sad. I'm glad that's over!"

It's not really over, though, I've just learned how to live with the loss better. Sometimes, it hurts as much as it did the day he left, sometimes I even forget he was part of our family, sometimes it's just like I've got a little splinter someplace that's a little annoying but not too bad.

"Really?"

And I'm absolutely terrified that we'll run into AJ sometime like we ran into Audrey's dad that day at the grocery market. I'm afraid seeing him would hurt my heart just as much as it did back then. I can understand how Mitzie would be afraid of feeling her pain, and it's got to be much worse since you grew in her and everything. Any of this make sense? It's kind of grown-up stuff...

"Sort of. No."

The important thing, BabyGirl, is to know that she loves you with her whole heart, she loves you and misses you. It's just too hard on her heart right now for her to see you right now. I know this because she's your mother and that's how mom's feel about their babies. We can only pray that in time, she'll find her way to see more of you.

"Uh huh. It's sure a good thing that we have Raoul, isn't it?"

Oh yes, my Love.