This is a tricky grief.

I don't know how to do this one.

How do I grieve the loss of a son who was never really mine, but who still holds a place deep in my heart? How do I grieve for someone who isn't dead? Will I ever stop looking into the face of every little boy his age trying to see his big brown eyes and his light-up-the-room smile? Will I ever stop feeling his heaviness on my shoulder when he was asleep? Will it ever stop ripping my heart out when BabyGirl asks when the next baby is going to come stay with us, even though she knows we're out of the adoption pool?