Thursday, September 11, 2008

Oh my!

My friend the BabyCatcher has me inspired to begin writing again. Well, her and the fact that BabyGirl is back in school and I have some time again.

Riding to school yesterday, my 2nd grader piped up and said wistfully, "I wish we could see Mitzie more." Me too, Sweet Pea, me too.

After writing last year about considering a change in our wills to remove her from the line of guardianship, then her magically appearing (well, dropping off a birthday gift when, unbeknownst to her, we were out for the evening), we haven't seen nor heard from her again. Sitting at the traffic light, I could check BabyGirl's face in the rearview mirror to see if I could get a clue as to her inner thoughts. All I saw was sadness.

"Do you think she's working all the time and that's why she can't see me?"

No, Sweetie, I don't think she's working that much right now, I could answer truthfully since Mitzie's dad told me she'd quit another job. Know what I think it is?


I think it still hurts her heart so much that she wasn't able to be your everyday mom that she's afraid of feeling that kind of pain, so she just kind of avoids putting herself into a situation where she won't be able to ignore how much it hurts.


Remember after we lost AJ and how sad I was for so long? Remember how some days I just cried all the time?

"Yeah. You were really sad. I'm glad that's over!"

It's not really over, though, I've just learned how to live with the loss better. Sometimes, it hurts as much as it did the day he left, sometimes I even forget he was part of our family, sometimes it's just like I've got a little splinter someplace that's a little annoying but not too bad.


And I'm absolutely terrified that we'll run into AJ sometime like we ran into Audrey's dad that day at the grocery market. I'm afraid seeing him would hurt my heart just as much as it did back then. I can understand how Mitzie would be afraid of feeling her pain, and it's got to be much worse since you grew in her and everything. Any of this make sense? It's kind of grown-up stuff...

"Sort of. No."

The important thing, BabyGirl, is to know that she loves you with her whole heart, she loves you and misses you. It's just too hard on her heart right now for her to see you right now. I know this because she's your mother and that's how mom's feel about their babies. We can only pray that in time, she'll find her way to see more of you.

"Uh huh. It's sure a good thing that we have Raoul, isn't it?"

Oh yes, my Love.